warning, i swear a lot in this journal
i need to really make some serious choices here
I've got to decide what i'm doing with my life, not only concerning this. I made an account here on DA a few years ago, shortly after that i made a tumblr. Similar problems for me have arose here and on there. I'm watching/following waaay to many fucking people. And I've been thinking about maybe making a new or separate account where i'll watch maybe just a few select people, like artists i really admire, good friends I've made on here, such like that. I've already got a side blog so i guess that works out. Online, online is easy though. I try my best not to get discouraged, but it's a little difficult when you get hit with shit like this all the time. Being told you can't be a writer, or that you're drawings are too cartoonish. Being told you're never going to succeed in the only thing you thought you were good at, it's a bitch. And i know other people have it worse than me, but we all gotta deal, ya know? It's kinda like having an existential crisis. I suppose, I dunno. Like, what the fuck am i gonna do with my life if i can't achieve what I've been planning and practicing for pretty much my whole life. Since the moment i picked up a fucking pencil and drew and fucking white and orange ass cat on a piece of paper in fucking kindergarten, i wanted to be an artist. I didn't always know, or know for sure rather. Like a lot of little kids i wanted to be a vet cause animals are awesome and they need doctors too. My parents apparently still think i want to be a vet. I don't have a lot of bloody pieces on here, i'm pretty blood sensitive. My dad wants me to be a doctor or some profession he finds 'respectable'. My dad hires doctors for a living, he's done it for years and he's pretty damn good at it. I've picked up a lot of that info over the years and I've found, i don't want to do that. I have an incredible amount of respect for people in that field, don't get me wrong, it's just not for me. I'm almost done with high school and i've got to decide what to do with my life. And everyone i talk to, aside from my fellow students and friends because they're in the same proverbial boat i am, says the oh so achingly familiar phrase of "Oh, you've got plenty of time". Plenty of time my ass. I've been thinking about this a lot lately, time is so incredibly short, but it's also long and drawn out and infinite. I really have no idea how i'm going to get everything i need done in time. When i was in junior high 9th grade was part of that, i moved in the middle of freshman year and lemme tell you that fucked with me a bit, i don't even know if i have enough credits since they don't count the ones from where i used to live, and i find myself taking classes where i either have absolutely have no challenge and thus will hit a brick wall when i take the next level class because the hardness level got boosted up to fucking champion with all new things thrown in, or i take a class where i struggle to make the minimum to only struggle even more to get a 'good' grade. So far, my classes this year are fine, most of my friends have already graduated cause they're older than me, or they're in a different lunch and we have no classes together. i'm a pretty social person and i should really be used to this by now, but i get lonely and it sucks ass. I'm really rambling here but my point is,
i want to be an artist. no fuck, i AM an artist, i want to be successful. I need to organize my shit.
also i'm working on a short series so i guess you guys can look forward to that. not that anybody reads these anyways